All this hostility
Well the West wind had blown and I want to drift off with it. A sure deterrent is this awful sickness. From what I understand it has actually made me depressed, as well as giving me a runny nose and a headache. I suppose the lack of good fortune on Halloween could have something to do with it, but as everyone says, it's not important. I called my best friend on Halloween and 'this phone has been disconnected or is no longer in service'. That almost broke me, if I hadn't already been expecting it. So instead of sulking I have joined a choir, cleaned my house and made new friends. There is C. who is charmingly nice and friendly, M. who is full of all kinds of spooky spunk, N. who is dangerously un-judgemental, and M. who had taken over one of my closer friends.
Like he said, I am giving up all the immature things I like to do, like parties and holidays and weekend trips and hanging with friends and wasting time on drawing and painting and movies. I am going to spend all my time looking for a Job. Cause thats what life is about you know, getting ready for five years from now. yeah...
So how about this, I will stop enjoying life to the fullest when you stop smoking pot, playing in your band instead of going to school and taking trips to the coast without even enjoying the ocean and letting your friends rule you and not saving your money or getting a job. Okay?
Deal.
Hmm. Nothing is changing.
So what is your plan for five years from now?
........
That is what I thought.
So I am gonna keep living for today, and for me.
My question of the year is simple:
Am I going to let 'suppose'd to' rule my life?
The answer is easy:
No.
Tomorrow I am going to choir. The next day I am going to PSU. Alone.
I don't need anyone.
Friday I will...well I will try my best to not get my feelings hurt when he doesn't care about the cake or the food...But I will try my best.
I will go to English Film and Lit classes and graduate, finally.
I will get my life on track. No matter how long it takes anyone else.
However! Life is going on right now, and just because everyone should also be thinking on tomorrow, doesn't mean today isn't important. Any moment could be our last moments.
Death is what makes life so important, so amazing. Would you even want to read a book with no ending? Immortality would be a horrid curse. How can a Butterfly awakening inside it's cocoon, pulsing with life, and unfurling into a new life, be anything if you never die? The fact that a time will come when we will be no more, when we will smell fresh pasta no more and hear the crickets no more, and feel a lovers touch no more, that is what makes life so amazing. Not the money you stored, or the alterations you made to perceptions you may never have again. Awe is what life is.
Now don't get me wrong, perception itself is not what makes life worth living. But the fact that we not only get to perceive existence, but exist along side, within, without, conscious and unconscious. These are the connections we have to life. And moments and seconds and events and smiles are what hold all the tiny pieces together.
There are so many evils in this life and all others, that the little moments and the things that seem so unimportant are just that! It is like all the bad things are pulling you apart from your ribs and the moments of awe and bliss and adventure and happiness are these little strings that weave around and through your foundations, your ribs. Keeping you together and alive. And even though the little moments don't keep you fed and clothed and happy all the time, and even though the small wonders don't destroy the evils and the evils are still always there. The moments and wonders keep you living and existing for a reason and meaning. No matter how short or how ordinary, smiles are like gems and medicine and all the other metaphors that make you, right now smile. That is what a writer does, a painter, a musician....which is the main wonder I have with you.
How can anyone create, without first living the day out at least, bad or good. Love is like that, bad or good, unconditionally...it's quite a mess really.
Can you love before you hate? Hate before you love?
Does anyone get to have one without the other?
You can't live, unless you will die, and you can't die unless you have lived, no matter how small the moment or how ordinary a wonder.
Like he said, I am giving up all the immature things I like to do, like parties and holidays and weekend trips and hanging with friends and wasting time on drawing and painting and movies. I am going to spend all my time looking for a Job. Cause thats what life is about you know, getting ready for five years from now. yeah...
So how about this, I will stop enjoying life to the fullest when you stop smoking pot, playing in your band instead of going to school and taking trips to the coast without even enjoying the ocean and letting your friends rule you and not saving your money or getting a job. Okay?
Deal.
Hmm. Nothing is changing.
So what is your plan for five years from now?
........
That is what I thought.
So I am gonna keep living for today, and for me.
My question of the year is simple:
Am I going to let 'suppose'd to' rule my life?
The answer is easy:
No.
Tomorrow I am going to choir. The next day I am going to PSU. Alone.
I don't need anyone.
Friday I will...well I will try my best to not get my feelings hurt when he doesn't care about the cake or the food...But I will try my best.
I will go to English Film and Lit classes and graduate, finally.
I will get my life on track. No matter how long it takes anyone else.
However! Life is going on right now, and just because everyone should also be thinking on tomorrow, doesn't mean today isn't important. Any moment could be our last moments.
Death is what makes life so important, so amazing. Would you even want to read a book with no ending? Immortality would be a horrid curse. How can a Butterfly awakening inside it's cocoon, pulsing with life, and unfurling into a new life, be anything if you never die? The fact that a time will come when we will be no more, when we will smell fresh pasta no more and hear the crickets no more, and feel a lovers touch no more, that is what makes life so amazing. Not the money you stored, or the alterations you made to perceptions you may never have again. Awe is what life is.
Now don't get me wrong, perception itself is not what makes life worth living. But the fact that we not only get to perceive existence, but exist along side, within, without, conscious and unconscious. These are the connections we have to life. And moments and seconds and events and smiles are what hold all the tiny pieces together.
There are so many evils in this life and all others, that the little moments and the things that seem so unimportant are just that! It is like all the bad things are pulling you apart from your ribs and the moments of awe and bliss and adventure and happiness are these little strings that weave around and through your foundations, your ribs. Keeping you together and alive. And even though the little moments don't keep you fed and clothed and happy all the time, and even though the small wonders don't destroy the evils and the evils are still always there. The moments and wonders keep you living and existing for a reason and meaning. No matter how short or how ordinary, smiles are like gems and medicine and all the other metaphors that make you, right now smile. That is what a writer does, a painter, a musician....which is the main wonder I have with you.
How can anyone create, without first living the day out at least, bad or good. Love is like that, bad or good, unconditionally...it's quite a mess really.
Can you love before you hate? Hate before you love?
Does anyone get to have one without the other?
You can't live, unless you will die, and you can't die unless you have lived, no matter how small the moment or how ordinary a wonder.
Comments
Post a Comment